Today I’m writing about the “hero phase” of Fatherhood and the five year adventure window. It all started with an article by Tim Urban, but we’ll get to him next. First, another Ragland man enters the world…
Our youngest son—Locke—was born on April 26th, 2022. Our oldest son—Canaan,—turned 7 this past week and our now middle son—Benson—is a 3-and-a-half year old wrecking ball. I call this stage “the fat beginning” of fatherhood. Everything is big, huge, and FULL of emotion, diapers, coffee, and learning.
The bulk of our experience together is happening RIGHT NOW. But I’m starting to think about how much time we all actually have together as a family of five. My friend Khe Hy calls this stage the “puppy dog phase” and one of the five magical windows of life.
Assuming Canaan leaves home at 18 years old, we only have 11 years as a full family unit. 11 summers, 11 Christmas mornings, 11 spring breaks. If I consider that Locke won’t be too independent for 3-5 years, i.e. able to travel easily, hike around, sleep without a crib, etc — then I’m looking at a solid 5ish year window where everyone is relatively functional and together as a family.
5 YEARS! It’s easy to think about having kids at home for 25 years, but it’s realllly sobering to realize there’s only a 5 year window of optimal time together.
The impetus for thinking about these windows of experience came from reading Tim Urban’s Wait but Why essay “The Tail End” for the umpteenth time.
It’s one thing to know that the majority of the time you spend with your parents is before 18 years old. That makes sense. But if you don’t live in the same town as your parents and only see them a few times a year for a few days at a time, then by 18 years old you’ve spent 90% of the total days you get with your parents.
I never thought about that as a kid. I don’t think most kids do. But I’m thinking about it almost daily as a parent. I’m thinking about it even more when I realize that of all 90% time is even more concentrated into a 5 year window where everyone is functional and together as a family.
Quick aside – the tail end concept applies to everything, so don’t get stuck thinking it’s just a parent-child practice. I could easily count the remaining sporting events, concerts, backpacking trips, golf getaways with the guys, etc.
Right now, I’m orienting my entire life around maximizing what I can do with my family in that 5-7 year window that begins in a few years. I’ll literally never get it back.
I hope it goes without saying, but everything that happens from now until then is very important too. The last time we have a newborn (I think), the first time Benson learns how to swim, and the tail end of Canaan asking me to snuggle with him at night.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the enormity of an experience. My uncle, Dan, is fond of saying “this group of people—this experience—has never happened before, and it will never happen again”. That saying helps me “stay where my feet are” and know that I have an opportunity now to be with my kids, love on my wife, and be grateful for the life I have in the moment.
I’m not in the tail end of fatherhood, I’m in the fat beginning. But it’s the tail end of other things in life. We’re all on different scales. The opportunity is not to lament what’s past, but to relish what’s in the present and enjoy what’s to come.
p.s. my friend Sahil Bloom wrote a great piece about this from the perspective of a child being mindful of seeing his parents as often as possible, because it’s later than you think.